Part 2: Damon and Janae
I wasn't sure what was worse the fact that I knew this feeling before, or that another man I trusted had taken advantage of me, or if it wasn’t that knowing that Damon didn’t put on a condom and now possibly another person was affected with HIV just like me. The only difference between Damon and me, I got it from being innocent. He got it because he didn't understand no.
I couldn’t believe this I trusted Damon. I felt safe around Damon. We were good, but now I was broke. He had broken his promise to me. He told me this date wasn’t going to change us and it had done more than changed us. It destroys me. I had already been insecure. I fat to smooth the pain of being HIV possible, and I compensate knowledge for the fact that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone to save another innocent person from where I was in life.
I couldn’t look in the mirror let alone leave my room. There was a piece of me that blamed myself why would I open myself up to trust another man. I blamed myself; there had to be something I did that sent signals to Damon I wanted this. Then the other side of me accused him. How could he be so selfish? Why wasn’t he different like I thought he was. I missed classes to avoid him. All I did was stay in my room in the bed asking myself question after question feeling like I was falling into a deeper hole.
Days went by, and I stayed in the darkness of my room. I didn't answer my phone for anyone, my dorm room door, or any text messages. Damon came by multiple times and as he knocked on the door and said my name all I could do was lay in bed with my hands covering my mouth crying. I was scared, and I felt alone, just like I use to when my dad would enter my room when I was a kid.
After almost a week I ran out of food to eat in my room and I was forced to face the outside world. I got dressed in a black sweatsuit, and when I got outside, I kept my hood up hoping I could make it to the school store and back to my room without anyone noticing me. But that was too much to ask for. As I stood at the register ringing out at the school store I heard my name from a familiar voice, and my skin began to crawl, and all I wanted to do was run. But my feet wouldn’t move. “Janae, you didn't hear me calling you?” Damon said as he came over and lent on the register with a smile on his face.
I starred at him. “Janae say something, what wrong? Where have you been? I’ve been calling you, texting you, and coming by your room and you haven’t answered.” he said. As he was talking the cashier told me my total I paid her and grabbed my bags. I began to walk away with my bags in my hands and without responding to Damon. Damn walked up behind me and grabbed my bags. Let me help you” he said “no I got it”I yelled and then looked around because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. “Janae, what's wrong with you? I always help you carry your bags; why are you acting like this?” he said looking at me confused. I looked around, and the school store was filling up. I let go of the bags and let Damon carry them because I wanted him or no one else to know how weak I was or what type of control he had on me.
I walked out of the store and Damon followed me all the way to my room. I got to my room door and stopped. This time I kept my keys in my pocket. “What are you doing open the door so I can take these bags in,” Damon said. “Nah I'm good you can leave them right here, and I’ll take them in,” I told him. “Girl stop plying open the door,” Damon said laughing “or what? You're going to force your way in again?” I said with an attitude. “What? Janae, what the hell are you talking about? I never pushed myself in your room.” he said to me as if he had forgotten the other night. “Are you fucking serious Damon?” I asked ready to break down and cry. “Janae lets go in the room and talk we don't need everyone on this floor in our business,” he said to me.
It was the first time in the conversation he said something that was right. I hesitated, and then I turned and opened the door and let him in. I closed the door and put my keys on the dresser. I stood across the room away from Damon. He put the bags down and turned around and looked at me’ “now what's going on with you?” he asked, “Damon are you really going to sit here and act like the other night didn’t happen.” I yelled. “When we had sex? Is that why you went MIA because of the other night? Was the sex that bad? You could have just told me that we’re friends.”
I couldn’t believe him. “Damon we are not friends. That wasn’t sex you raped me.” I yelled Damon face changed. “Jane I was drunk, you were drunk. But we both wanted what happen. I did not rape you. You know I’m not even that type of guy.” he said to me. “I don't know what type of guy you are. I said no, and you did what you wanted to me.” I said to him. “You wanted it,” Damon yelled back at me. “No, I didn't want you to give you the HIV I have,” I said to him. “What?” he said looking at me confused “yes that's why6 no matter how much I liked you I wouldn’t let those lines be crossed. I’ve been HIV positive since I was nine. That's the side effect of your father betraying your trust the same way you did to me.” I said.
Damon grabbed his head “wait! What?” he asked confused. “My dad was a working man, but he spent most of his money on his drug addiction. So my mom worked overtime to make up for the money he spent. Which meant us kids spent a lot of alone time with my dad's high ass. With my mom not being there to satisfy her man sexually and the drugs having him so fucked up. He started to touch us, my sisters and me. With me being the oldest I use to tell my sisters to go run and hide, and I took it I let him do whatever he wanted to me until he passed out on top of me. I would clean myself us. Drag him into my parent's room, cooked and put the kids to sleep so my mom would never know the hell that was happening in her home.
My mom found out when I was nine that I was HIV positive she had taken me to the doctors thinking I had the flu and to her surprise when I got those results. She never looked at me the same. I was no longer he innocent baby. In her eyes, I was now her fast tail daughter. She didn’t believe me when I told her my dad had given it to me. All because he never showed any signs of being ill because of the drugs.
It wasn’t until my dad got jumped over drugs that the doctors finally confirmed that he too was HIV positive. Once it was out there, he finally admitted that he was using needles that he wasn’t sure if they were clean or not. But he never agreed to rape me. My dad the man that was supposed to protect me from the world, took my innocence and then made me out to be a liar. To this day he still won’t admit that he has been rapping me all the way up to the time that I left to come here.
The same way you treated me was the same way he did. He refused to listen to my stops and no and eventually I became silent and just let him. The same way I grew quiet with you. So now you know me, my father, my mother, and my baby brother are all HIV positive, and I do everything I can to make sure I don't have to go back to hell. But it looks like hell followed me here. I said as tears started to run down my face.
“You, you gave me HIV?” Damon yelled. Really out of all I just said all you can say to me is that I GAVE you HIV. Not you're sorry. Not anything to try to save our friendship. You say I gave you HIV.” I said to him. “You bitch you gave me HIV.” Damn repeated. “You're just like my damn father. You won’t admit it either. I didn’t give you shit. You took it.” I told him. Damon’s face changed, and he came charging at me. I slammed into the wall as he choked me. “You bitch! You fucked my life up! I loved you. All I wanted to do was love you.” he screamed as he choked me harder and harder.
I cried and thought to myself I should just let Damon kill me that way no other man can come along and make me care about him only to hurt me like this again. I closed my eyes and stopped fighting back. I waited to see the bright light; instead, my sister's faces came to me, and they were screaming to me to fight back I’m their only way away from my dad.
I finally mustered up the strength and kneed Damon. He fell to the floor. “You will not blame me. I will not allow you to. You want to talk about love. I loved you, Damon. But my love for you made me keep my body away from you and put your health first. I loved you enough to not share my curse with you. But you were greedy and had to have it. Now you got it.” I yelled at him as I stood over him taking back my power for once.