Part 2: Ciara and Jarrell
I loved Ciara more than words would have ever explained. The hurt that I was feeling knowing that I would never hear her voice again, see her face, be able to watch her hold my daughter; her goddaughter, or just laugh with her would never happen again. we had been best friends since the 4th grade. In all these years we had cried together, laughed together, told each other secrets that we agreed to take to the grave. We had been there for each other through the good and bad and watched each other grow. sometimes we didn’t like each other but we understood that came with a real friendship. But one thing was always clear we loved each other.
when she texted me that night that she killed herself my heart dropped to my feet while reading the text because I know something bad was happening. I called her over and over praying that that gut feeling I had was completely wrong. she wouldn’t answer my calls and when I finally got a ride to her house she wasn’t answering the door.
I broke her back window and let myself in because my gut wouldn’t let me leave. I couldn’t just walk away on my best friend, the person that mean me better then my parents. when i finally got into the house and I reach Ciara she was passed out from the sleeping pills. The police and paramedics took forever to arrive. By time they got her to the hospital it was too late. even after pumping her stomach she was still unresponsive.
i was twenty six and I was preparing myself to face one of the hardest things in my life. I was burying my best friend. the person that stepped in and played daddy when my baby father turned his back on our daughter. no one would ever understand how I was feeling. I was holding it together on the outside but on the inside I was falling apart. The love I had just lost was more than a friend, she was my sister, family, my right hand, my everything. when the doctors let me in to see her aLl i did was hold her cold body and cried out.”Why’d you leave me. you wasn’t suppose to leave me. I needed you. I loved you. You were my sister.”
Every day after that seemed unreal. I had to call Ciara’s parents and tell them their child was gone. As a mom myself I feared ever getting a call like that about my own child. So could only imagine what they were feeling; even though they mistreated her a child’s death was something no parent wanted to face. you could literally hear in their voice the pain they were feeling. I wanted Ciara back so bad. I wanted this to be a bad nightmare that woke up from.
I went to Ciara’s house again just to feel like I was with her. when I got up to her room everything was still the same as it was the night I found her. I wine glass was still half full. the pill bottle was empty. i laid in her bed and cried. this was not what I ever imagined for us. as I laid in her bed her phone rung. it was still on the charger as if she was coming back for it.
when i looked down at the phone it was Jarrell. i had a few words for him because he had been M.I.A through all of this. i answered pissed “where the fuck have you been?” I screamed into the phone. “Yo chill” Jarrell said back. “No ain’t no damn chill my best friend is dead and you been M.I.A. what kind of boyfriend are you?” I yelled. “Ciara baby chill and calm down so you can tell me what's wrong,” he said. “This not Ciara you dumb fuck,” I said angrily. “Skylar?” he said. “yeah Skylar,” I said. “Where is Ciara?” he asked. “She dead did you not just hear me,”I said. “Man stop playing, and put Ciara on the phone,” he said.
I got angry that he really thought this was a joke. “Do it sound like I am playing. Ciara my best friend is dead and you haven’t been around for anyone to even tell you.” I said. “Skylar can we meet up I’m not understanding.” he said, “fuck you,” I said and then hung up. when I hung up I cried even harder. all I could think of was when Ciara told me about Jarrell when they first met. she was so happy. it was so good to see my best friend happy. she had been through so many fuck boys that didn’t value her that it was good to see the glow she had with Jarrell. But after some time, Jarrell started showing his true colors.
Ciara would come to me trying to understand what she did wrong. Why Jarrell had done a complete 360 on her. as much as I told her that Jarrell was just a stupid nigga she stuck with him. She smiled through it all. I watched her beg for Jarrells attention and him feed her with excuses on why she could have his attention or why he was lacking as a boyfriend. I even watched her jump at 1 or 2 am when he called and I would tell her not to let him treat her like a hoe because we both knew he was only calling because he waited to have sex. But she smiles and still went. when I asked her why she would tell me because she wanted to know if she called it quits or it didn’t work that she could at least say she gave her all and was the best girlfriend she could be no matter what.
he was mistreating my best friend and there was nothing I could do about it. she was making excuses for him an he was so arrogant that he thought how he was treating her was fine. that not supplying her with effort, time or just something to show that he cared was okay. It pissed me off so much but I didn't want to be the bitter single friend getting in the way of her friend's relationship so I didn’t say anything.
I sat looking at Ciara pictures on her screen saver. I rubbed my finger across the screen as if I was physically touching her. when I rubbed my finger over the screen Ciara phone opened. I went through her phone just looking for some insight on what caused her to do his. I went through her pictures trying to understand how could someone that had a smile that brightened up the room take her own life. As I kept going through her phone I saw the message between Ciara and Jarrell and I was able to understand more. Ciara loved Jarrell and although she was calling it quits with him in a way she was still calling out for him. as I kept going through Ciara phone I came across a letter she had saved in her notes.
why is this the life you’ve given me. what the hell have I done so bad that you keep taking me through all this hurt and pain. No matter how much good I do. All I wanted all I ever prayed to you for was to be able to feel like I was loved. But you continue to make a fool of me. first it was my parents. you gave them things and people that were more important then me. They were supposed to love me unconditionally When I got old enough to find love somewhere else you sent fuck boy after fuck boy into my life and I took the lessons that you were trying to teach me and have me understood. I really believe that I was strong so you were using me to be a blessing to others. But you never thought that I need someone to be a blessing to me. to love me. when I finally felt like you were on my side when you sent Jarrell in my life. I was comfortable with him I talked to him about so much. In so many way I felt like I was healing being with him. I had never smiled so much and truly felt so happy before in my life. I was even able to tell him about my miscarriage that no one but me and you knew about. I let my guards down and let him in. I honestly and purely fell in love with him. but you let him hurt me worse than anyone else. you let him play with my heart and my head. you let him destroy that last bit of faith and hope I had in love. you let him destroy the woman I am or at least thought I was. I’m done being played. I’m done being hurt. I am tired of being alone but being there for everyone else. I am done suffering and not being loved but giving everything in me to be a good person for everyone else.
as i read her words i cried. i never knew that the person I checked on everyday, seen on the regular. felt all these emotions. “If I had only asked her more, about how she was I could have avoided all of this,” I said to myself.
when the day finally came for us to lay Ciara to rest. I was sick to my stomach. it seemed like everything around me was going in slow motion and was surreal. as I walked into the church and down the aisle I braced myself to see my best friend for the last time. i got to the front row and took my seat across from Ciara’s parents and their spouses. it sickened me even more knowing I was sitting across from the people that hurt Ciara first. they made her feel unwanted and unloved. I looked around at all the people in the church. Everyone was crying and grieving but no one knew that Ciara felt the way she did.
the service went on just how I planned it. Because Ciara had stopped talking to her parents a while ago because she noticed they only wanted anything to do with her when it was time to do something for them she cut them off; they let me plan the whole funeral because they felt like I knew her the best. i had already made the pastor aware that there was going to be no remarks from anyone. I didn’t want to hear anyone lying about a relationship they didn’t really have with Ciara including her parents.
as the service went on a unwanted guest walked into the church and down to Ciara’s Casket. “Get out” i screamed Jarrell turned around and looked at me. “what is your problem? i am here to mourn just like everyone else in here.” he said. “the hell you are. Get away from her. you didn’t care about her when she was alive don’t care about her now.” I said. “this is not the place nor the time. this is my daughters funeral” Ciara's father stood up and said. “Leave I yelled ignoring Ciara’s dad.
jarrell stood there looking at me. i grabbed my purse off the church bench and pulled out the gun i had got from my cousin Pwee. “i’m a say this again and this will be my last time. Next I will start firing. Get out!” i said. “Skylar baby what are you doing? this already sad enough that I am burying my daughter. Put that gun away and let him share this moment with us peacefully.” Ciara’s mom said as she walked up to me.
I looked at Ciara in the casket and then at everyone else. “Let him morn with us? Now, why would I do that when he’s the reason she killed herself because he wasn’t man enough to love her the right way or at all for that matter. he just used and abused her for his own personal gain.” Jarrell interrupted me “you have no idea what you're talking about Skylar.” he said. I looked around at the church full of people watching me point a gun at this man and I didn’t care. I had been thinking about killing him for a while now and it just so happened this was the opportunity “Skylar this is not what Ciara would have wanted.” her mom said to me.
I looked at her with disgust on my face. “How would you have know what she would have wanted. you didn’t even talk to her. she told me all the time that she felt like you and her dad didn’t really love her or want her . then she got older and you used her like she owed you something. you all drained her and never refilled her with love. so she did this to herself.” I said crying. “if we are to blame, doesn’t that mean you are to blame as well. where were you when she needed to be refilled and loved.” Jarrell said to me. I glared at him. “do you really want to try me in here? do you not realize that at this point I will kill you.” I said “Skylar!” Ciara’s mom screamed. “stop saying my name.” I said.
“Skylar whether you want me here or not today is not about you. so you don’t have to like it. But I am going to stay and pay my respect.” Jarrell said. jarrell turned away from me and went to have a seat next to Ciara’s parents. I fired the gun. I didn’t know what had come over me. But I refused to let Ciara pain sit here like it was okay. The church cleared out and the pastor came and took the gun out my hand as I stood there staring at Jarrell body bleed out onto the floor. “My child what have you done?” the pastor asked. “the is a cost he had to pay for breaking my best friend's heart and destroying her, I did what I had to. I proved that at least I loved her.” I said as I looked the pastor in the eye.