Part 2 Alex

As I claimed down and came back to my normal self thing were started to set in. I had really just token out my best friend. And there was nothing I could do to change that. As I drove I started to realize how tight and uncomfortable my belly was. “Relax mommy’s baby,” I said as i drove home and rubbed my stomach. my stomach was hard as a rock and at six months it was like a brick was sitting on my lap. I had some shit to work on when it came to being a mother. “I should have never got that angry to the point that I forgot about you or that i didn’t consider you,” I said out loud talking to my stomach.
Being pregnant was such a change for me. I never knew what to expect. My pregnancy was totally different from what I saw Tamiya go through with my godson and with no mother around to help guide me and now no best friend I wasn’t sure what type of mother I was going to be. But I knew for sure this was going to be the first and the last time I ever did something like this.
My stomach was rock hard and all I could think was my baby was probably in a ball screamed of me and what I had just displaced. But i couldn’t even blame my son or daughter. just hearing what i did would make any child scream and look at me as a monster. I mean only a monster had a soul evil enough to take someone's life.
A tear came to my eye. That was the crazy part the evil side of me had no soul. I killed Tamiya without second-guessing. But the nice side of me was hurt. As i drove i kept playing the whole moment over and over in my head. Then i could hear Terrell's voice again saying “you gonna be better than your daddy. He buries bodies you get rid of them.” I was a daddy’s girl. I loved the life I lived. I had diamonds before I could say the word. Shit, I was a hustler before leaving elementary school. But no matter how much I loved my dad I didn’t want to be him. My life was great but at the same time, there were other sides to it. The drugs laying around the house. Police showing up. Shit, i remember being ten and my dad getting pulled over and him telling me to put his gun in my purse i had on because he knew they were going to search the car but never me. Moments like that made it feel like my dad living this life wasn’t worth it at all. And I damn sure do want my child feeling like that.
As I drove home still deep in thought I hear my phone ringing. I reached over the passenger seat and opened my purse and felt around for my phone. Once I got it I glanced at the screen to see who was calling. it was Kenny. My eyes got big and my mouth got dry. For a moment I actually felt like I could not breathe. “What the fuck am I supposed to say? Hey, I just killed your mom… fuck” I said to myself. The phone stopped ringing and I let out a sigh of relief I will call him back when I’m 100% sure on how to deal with him. I thought to myself. But clearly Kenny said I was going to deal with him now because as soon as I stuck my phone in the cup holder it started to ring again.
“Fuck! Okay, Alex relax and pull it together” I said trying to think. I answered the phone. “Hello?” i said. “God mom,” his six-year-old voice said “yes honey” i responded trying to seem as normal as possible. “Have you seen my mommy? Her been gone all day and she not answering my calls or my nana’s calls,” he told me.
I felt like i had a knot in my throat. I knew exactly how Kenny was going to feel. My mom died when i was nine. She left for work just like it was a normal day. She kissed me on the forehead told me to behave and headed out. Six o’clock hit and she didn’t walk through the front door like she normally did. I stayed up as long as my eyes would stay open because I wanted to show her I finally had got the braiding down that she had been teaching me all week. In the middle of the night, my room light came on. My dad sat at the edge of my bed and told me my mom had been shot and robbed at a gas station on her way home.
Burying her was the saddest day of my life. My dad didn’t even drop a tear. I was so broken on the inside and confused as to why my mom. Why would anyone rob her? Weeks later i started to see my dad for the drug dealer he was. Nannies started to show up at the house to take care of me when he was busy. I got unexpected gifts as if he was trying to fill the spot my mom should have been with materials, then we finally moved into this big house in a gated community where we were the only black people.
I opened my mouth and at first, nothing came out. “God mom?” Kenny called out. “Yes, baby I'm here I'm sorry. No, i haven't seen your mom all day.” I said to him. “Okay well her need to hurry up and come home because my nana said she got plans and she didn't let us moved back in her house to be a baby sitter.” in the background I could hear Tamiya’s mom. “Yeah, she better come get her damn son, because i got shit to do. His little ass will be sitting on the porch.” I instantly knew she was drunk.
Our and moms was how Tamiya and I relationship started. Both of our moms were name Terra. And in a way, we both were motherless. My mom was physically gone, Tamiya’s mom was mentally and emotionally gone. And in a way, it was the same thing. If it was about cocaine or liquor Terra had no feelings for it and paid it no attention.
I felt bad because Kenny was already dealt a rough hand. He was already another black boy growing up in the hood with no father. He was dealing with stuff no child should have to handle. There was no reason he was able to repeat back to me what his grandma said that meant adult conversation was happening around him that he didn’t need to be hearing. And he damn sure didn’t need to hear his grandma saying she was going to put him out. He was six no six years old should feel unwanted. And now this. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t notice that I was drifting over into the next lane until the car beside me beeped at me. I pulled my car back over. “God mom?” Kenny called out again but this time sounding super sad. “Yes baby, listen god mommy is driving right now I’m going to try to find your mom but until I can get ahold of her I am going to call your Auntie Tatiana and have her come over there and get you,” i told him. Kenny cheered up a little. Cool then I can play with Mikey.” he said.
The voice on the phone change and i knew i was talking to Terra. “Tell that bitch of a daughter of mine. Come get her damn son. It ain't my fault she got pregnant by an ain't shit nigga and now she raising one too.” she said sounding drunk. “Terra you watch your mouth in front of my godson!” I yelled. “Then you come to get his little ass then you about the only one that cares about him anyway,” she said. “I’m making plans right now for me to be picked up. Until then stop fuckn drinking and try to be a good grandma and keep him safe.” I said. “Fuck you! I raised my kids. I'm not raising another.” she said angrily. “No the streets raised you, daughters,” I said back. “Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you! You better come get his ass,” she said and then hung up.
I looked down and put my phone in the cupholder. My hands were shaking. Another car beeped at me again to tell me I was crossing the lane. I pulled myself over to the sie of the road and put the car in park. “What the hell did I do?” i asked putting my head on the steering wheel.