Part 1 Nautica and Jackson

“Nautica” my therapist called out to me snatching me from my thoughts as I sat on the couch on the other side of her. “yes” I answered as I turned to look at her. “We have covered a lot in your time here with me. But yet every time we get to the subject of your last relationship with the father of your child you black out.” Dr. Matthews said to me.
I had been in therapy for three months and opened up about almost everything as I looked for healing. My childhood trauma, first miscarriage, abandonment issue, and more. Yet speaking about Jackson had me tongue-tied.
Every time Dr.Matthews brought up Jackson I got stuck. In my head, I fell for him way too early before I got to see the many faces he came with. The face of mental abuse, control, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. Not to mention here I was 20 weeks pregnant, and I had spent the last 5 weeks feeling like I was hiding, ignoring texts, and calls, deactivating social media, and looking over my shoulder.
“Well…” she asked. I stopped for a moment, and I could hear the sound of the clock ticking loudly in my ears. I looked over at her. “I hate him.” I to her. “Why?” she asked me. “I loved him. And it's my fault because I fell for him way too soon. I saw the masked he showed me, and I was hooked. I was so hooked that when I started to see his true colors it was too late. I had ruined relationships with my family defending him and my relationship with him, I let him belittle me, I spent time with only him, felt guilty when he cussed me out for doing things that were normal to me, I fell into a place of darkness trying to hold on to a love that didn’t love me.” I explained. “Why do you feel like he didn’t love you.” She asked. “Because love don’t hurt; me being 10 weeks pregnant with the baby he put in me didn’t stop him from turning into a Tasmanian devil and beating me after he went through my phone,” I explained wiping tears from my eyes.
“so you hate him because you fear him.” She said to me. “I feared him before him beat me. It was the one thing I was scared of happen everytime he got mad or concerned me into a room. Now that it happened, I hate him because he’s taken me to a place I never thought I’d go. I can see myself putting a bullet in his head and it doesn’t scare me or make me feel bad about my child not having their parents from it.” I explained.
“you know healing starts when you spoke about it. The best thing you could have ever done was express those thoughts so they don’t overcome you and I can help you get past them.” Dr. Matthew said. “And what if I am already ready for my thoughts to become a reality,” I said as I pulled my gun from my purse and put it on the table. And watched Dr. Matthews's eyes get big.
I knew the sight of my gun and the seriousness on my face scared Dr. Matthew but she wanted my truth. The rest of the session between of was a little off. When it was over I headed home to journal. Like normal tears covered my pages until I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up to a message from Jackson. Thinking of you, love you, and miss you. I rolled my eyes and closed the message. I rubbed my belly as I sat on the edge of the bed and decided today I would stay in the house. A few hours later as I enjoyed my favorite movie another message came in from Jackson. I guess you are still on the same bullshit you've been on for the last few weeks. I love you. Hope you get everything you desire and that you are blessed beyond measure again love you and be safe. I placed my phone back on my couch and went on with my day.
An hour after Jackson's text the calls started to pour in from him. When my phone rang for the 20th time and my face changed when I picked it up and smiled when I saw my dad's name. “Hey, dad.” I said when I answered. “how are you baby girl and the baby.” He asked. “we are fine just watching a movie.” I said to him. “Keeping your stress level down?” he asked and my phone chimed. I'm so tired of playing with your dumb ass. You're fucking childish. You better answer me or your not going to like what happens next and I promise you're going to hate me. The message from Jackson said. I had been waiting for this side of him to show up. But I refused to give in to him. “I was but Jackson pulling himself.” I said. “Listen, I get you love him the heart is a hard thing to control but be smart and be safe for you and your child. Don’t let that boy steal your joy.” He told me.
My dad was no stranger to Jackson and his madness. Jackson had even gone as far as inboxing my dad on Facebook and threatening to beat him up and calling him a fagget. That played a major part in me leaving Jackson because my dad was the only parent I had.
I sat on the phone in silence on the phone for a while before my dad finally broke it. “you really need to be in church tomorrow. Get you some prayer to help you ease your mind.” He said to me. “okay I will get up and come.” I said to my dad with a smile knowing he was trying to help me find peace. After a change in subject and some laughs, I and dad hung up and I went to bed.
Morning came and I wakened from the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. I checked the clock and it was 11:15 am. I jumped realizing I was late for church. I text my dad and waited for him to reply. It's okay baby girl your baby daddy is here at the church so I’m glad you didn’t come. I hope he doesn’t start anything… today will be the day! My heart began to race when I read my dad's message. Let me know if he does and I will be on my way. I responded back to do what Nautica your pregnant I got this. If this is what he wants he will fight a real man today. My dad said. It's not your fight dad it's mine. He threatened last night that he was going to do something crazy because I've been ignoring him. I’m not letting you deal with this, you're only involved because of me. And he’s only doing this to get my attention. And he will definitely get it today.
Daddy didn’t text back instead he called me. “Nautica listen I am your father and I will always protect you and my grandbaby. If he says nothing he’ll be good… but if he does…” before my dad could finish his sentence I heard Jackson in the background “if I do what old man.” Sounds of the phone dropping and a struggle going on played in my ear as I yelled my dad's name while I grabbed my purse.
I hopped in my car and did 90 all the way to the church seeing nothing but red. It took me about 5 mins to get there and I pulled up at the front door and jumped out with my gun in my hand and charged into the church. Some of the decans were helping my dad while others had Jackson pinned in a corner while he smiled with blood in his mouth. I looked at the blood on the tissue my dad was holding to his nose and walked straight to where Jackson was with my gun pointed at his face. Everyone yelled and screamed asking me to put down the gun. But the eye-to-eye stare down Jackson and I was having blocked out everything that was going on. “so this is what you wanted?” I asked him as my hand tightened.

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