Part 1: Karmen and Knowledge

Baby, mommy loves you more than you will ever understand. I am determined for you to be a real man of excellence, power and respect. So, I protect you and mold you now even while you are in my womb. But please understand your father is not here because I love you.

As I speak these words to my unborn prince the tears roll down my face. I never wanted this life. I never imagined this when me and Knowledge met. I thought we were going to be together.

I met Knowledge at my parents church. When our old keyboard player moved away my parents hired Knowledge to replace him. When he started playing at the church he had a girlfriend. She came with him every Sunday. But you can tell she was only there to watch him and make sure he didn’t do nothing and no girls was in his face.

But that didn’t stop Knowledge from adding me on Facebook or inboxing me. He would compleiment my beauty and make me smile. Which felt great because I was going through what I called my transition stage.

As time went on Knowledge and I got closer. We had a vibe that neither of us could ignore. We texted from sun up to sun down. We also facetimes from time to time too.

Knowledge opened up to me and I opened up to him. He told me about his relationship with his current girlfriend Rissa. He told me how they had been together for a while and when they first got together he was head over hills for her. But now with some of her crazy attentions and trust issues the love just wasn’t the same for him.

We start to hang out outside of church. It was always late night because of my work schedule and his rehearsals for the other bands he played for. We would just chill when we were together or ride around the city laughing and talking.

Knowledge always offered for us to hang at his place but I always declinced. I didn’t want us to be alone together in that type of setting because of his relationship. So we would just drove around or park at the park and just chill.

But this one night was different.

Knowledge: Karmen

Karmen: whats up Knowledge

Knowledge: I been thinking

Karmen: About?

Knowledge: Us

Karmen: Boy ain’t no us. You should be thinking about how you going to fix you and Rissa.

Knowledge: Me and Rissa are a done deal. I’m only still with her because our phonees and stuff are on the same account.

Karmen: mmhm (I rolled my eyes) lets go eat

I said to change the subject

Knowledge lend in and kissed me. Like Eve with the forbidden fruit I indulged. His lips were so soft and the kiss seem more like a connection then anything. But when it was over and my eyes opened I was reminded of the reality that although he was unhappy he still belonged to someone else.

Time passed and I did everything in my power to avoid Knowledge. After chrch I would either rush to leave or lock myself in my parents office. Knowledge would call and text me and I would ignore it or tell him I was busy and would hit him back.

He must of got tired of it because be sent a edible arrangement to my job after 2 weeks of that. Attach was a letter:


I know you are avoiding me and I don’t blame you. I never want you to feel like I am trying to get over on you. Please meet me tonight at our normal place at the park so we can talk.


I thought about his note for the rest of the day. And decided to meet with hhim. I sat in my car at the park waiting for Knowledge and playing out what I would say to him. When I seen his car pull up I took a deep breath.

Knowledge came and got into my car and before he could close the door I was off. “Knowledge I am not going to let you use me. I am no one side piece or way out. If you are unhappy then tell her and get out that situation then persue me.” Knowledge just sat there and smiled at me, “what are you smiling about.” I asked him. “Karmen you are no side piece. Me and Rissa are over. Although I am not ready for a relationship just yet I do want to see where this goes.” I began to smile from ear to ear.

That night I invited Knowledge back to my house. We made love for the first time and it was magical. I was the happiest I had been.

Time went on and me and Knowledge were always together. He even moved in. We still had no titles, but I was working on it. We were learning about each other more and more everyday. The elders were definitely right when they said you see a person true colors when you live with them.

Knowledge didn’t cook, or pick up after his self and only took out the trash when I asked him a bunch of times, but he ate all the food, smoked weed all the time and drove all the gas out my car. Once his mail started to arrive at the house I found out that he had a baby he was behind in child support for and no source of income outside of playing at my parents church.

By this time my parent had figured out that me and Knowledge were living together unmarried. My father was out ragged. I had to beg him not to fire Knowledge. My mom on the other hands was way more opened. I talked to her about the whole situation.

“Mommy I feel like im playing house with him. I’m cooking, cleaning, praying for him, and supporting him like I seen you do for daddy. But yet he still won’t commit to me.” I cried to my mom one day while laying on her lap as we sat on the couch at her house. “baby things come in time. You can force him because you are ready. Just pray about it baby and wait.” She told me. I lifted my head from my mom’s lap “how long do I wait when we have a baby on the way?”

My mom said nothing just looked at me confused. I went to my purse and grabbed the paper from my doctor. “I didn’t feel good so I went to the doctor.” I said as I handed my mom the paper. My mom read the paper and to my surprise we she smiled. “Oh baby I’m so happy for you.”

With my mom’s acceptance I drove home excited to tell Knowledge. As always when I walked into my apartment he was sitting in the living room watching tv with his feet on my coffee table.

Karmen: can you turn off the tv so we can talk?

Knowledge turned off the tv but not without huffing and puffing as if I was annoying him.

Knowledge: Whats wrong now Karmen?

Karmen: how long are we going to do this?

Knowledge: do what?

Karmen: This! This playing house shit?

Knowledge lend over and grabbed my hand.

Knowledge: Karmen I know you want a relationship. But I’m not ready yet. I’m still trying to get myself together and I don’t know how long that’s going to take.

I snatched my hand away from him and pulled the paper out my purse and throw it at him.

Karmen: Well you better figure it out soon

Knowledge stood up and asked “Your pregnant?” I rolled my neck and answered him back “yes”

Knowledge: Well you got to get rid of it. We not ready

Karmen: Knowledge what the fuck is wrong with you. I’m not doing that. If you don’t want this baby that’s fine you don’t have to be  around pack your self and leave. Because I’m ready. Not having you to take care of too will make me really ready.

Knownledge walked up and choke me up against the wall.

Knowledge: Get rid of it or I will

I began to cry. This was not the man I once knew. I never imagined Knowledge would act like this. I pulled away from him.

Karmen: I am not getting rid of my baby. So I am going to leave and go to my parents’ house. You should be gone when I get back

I turned to walk down the stirs of my apartment. I heard Knowledge behind me. “Karmen please forgive me.” As I turned to ask him for what. Knowledge pushed me down the stairs.

I laid at the bottom of the stairs as Knowledge ran past me. “Heavenly father if you don’t do anything else for me. Please protect me baby.”

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