Part 1: Ciara and Jarrell

Ever led and cried your eyes out about a decision you had to make. After two bottles of wine, months of mistreatment, being used and abuse I was finally calling it quits with Jarell. But although it was my decision didn't mean it wasn’t hurting me. I was losing someone that I opened up to after thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Jarell came along when I had finally found happiness being alone or so I thought. We clicked like we had known each forever and he gave me this smile this glow that none of my friends or family had ever seen on me before. I still held on to memories of him doing things like dancing with me in his kitchen to slow jams just to cheer me up. Or the look on his face when I surprised him with our first at home date.

   But of course, with the good came the bad I wear scars from his baby momma jumping me at my home. And I never felt more alone than when he told me to press charges but didn't come with me to do it or even his me her address to complete that process. Guess you can say that was the day all the worry began. Because with every passing day from the smiles turned into frowns, the laughs turned into tears, and time we spend together turned into my wonder where the hell he was.

   As a woman, you wonder what the hell you’ve done when your man does a 360 on you. You question if it's you maybe you need to work on yourself and you stand in a mirror and evaluate who you are. Until you realize how selfish the man is that you're dealing with. He can smile and tolerate you as long as it benefits him; food, sex, money.  But when it comes to caring about your feelings you can't get him to listen to you that your not asking for his money, or to take him away from his responsibilities but to have to good times back, for him to show he care about your relationship, to give you time, attention, effort, affectation but most of all communication.but he only hears you respond with a rebuttal about something about him and why he can’t be the man he said he would be to you.

   Now here I am laying in bed with wine, sleeping pills and text to him waiting to be sent that says I'm removing myself from the relationship. I had said a number of time to Jarell that I was done but we still needed up together with me hurting. But tonight something had finally clicked. I don't know if it was his mom words a few days again saying to remember I don't have to kiss anyone ass including his. Or his sister saying he's a jerk he gonna miss out on a good thing bc he stuck on the old thing fuckin fool. Or just him not being there when I needed him. But I was standing my ground as a woman. Because I deserve more then the 15% Jarell was giving me.

   I finished my glass of wine and hit the send button. Some minutes went by and I poured another glass of wine and then a response came back. What? He replied. I waited for a while thinking what to say I could back out and just stay with him because although I was hurting with him wouldn't i be hurting more without him. I build up the strength and replied Just what I said. I couldn't believe I was doing this through text. I thought about calling or driving to his mom. But that's why I was here now because I was giving more effort then he was. He hadn't shown on my doorstep yet or call me instead came to another text So through a text? Alright.

Something hit me when I seen that it was a mixture of emotions anger, sadness, hurt. And my fingers went to typing When am I suppose to tell you at work in front of people. You never have time for me. Your not providing me with the things I need in a relationship. I don't know how else to tell you or show you. Like you don't care. I have been trying with you but it's all about you. This not what I fucking want I really thought you were the one. You use to make me happy in a way no one else ever but you stopped doing that and I got pushed to the back burner. I wrote with tears streaming down my face. Shit changed and I needed to handle things the only way I know how, but if this is what u want then ok he replied. It was said that he still was getting that this was far from what I wanted I wanted him I wanted us but I didn't want to fight alone.

   The sad part was I had fallen for Jarell hard and he was too blind to see if I was in love with him and he didn't know it or bother to care. I replied back to him  Shit changed so you mistreat me when I did nothing wrong to you! How is that far to me Jarell. Look right now you don't even care you not even giving the effort to keep me. So why keep putting myself through this. And the sad part it I'm crying and this hurts and you'll keep going with life like nothing ever happen.  Every word I typed was more and more painful. I felt the wine and went to my kitchen and grabbed the gin.

   When I picked my phone backup there was still no call from him just another text saying I do want u but I'm trying to handle lots of shit right now, and its things u want that I figured out I can't give u. With that text die the little bit of faith I was holding on to about this relationship that maybe just maybe he'd see I was going to walk away and he'd make a change. But no not him. My reply to him was So communication, time, attention, effort or some clue that you care is too hard? You can't give me that Jarell that's just selfish. It's not all about fuckin you! Despite what I'm going through. I was still your girl and gave you what I had to offer.

   I sat there thinking that every time I love I was left how could I be so foolish to think this was different. I loved my mom and she left me because being a mother wasn’t part of her plan, I love my dad and he left me for my stepmom. I once loved another man who got me pregnant and he tried to kill me and my baby before he left. And although he succeeds killing my baby I lived to morn all these hurts. Hurts I had opened up to Jarell about.

   My phone buzzed with another text. Yo I'm going through some shit, I'm trying to get money to pay these taxes, and other shit going on,u want a kid I don't want any more kids, I can give u time but not as much as u want, and attention but not as much as u want, the shit is hard. I could understand how shit was so hard when we use to spend every moment together. We went to sleep and woke up together when he was in the hospital I was there. When his aunt was killed I was there. It's only hard when you just don't want to. And to use a kid that I never asked him for as an excuse was hurtful because after my miscarriage I wasn't even sure if I could carry another child.

   I replied back  Me wanting a kid has nothing to do with right now Jarell! I never asked you to give me a baby, when you fucked up I took a morning after a pill because I knew you didn't want kids! Like that's just an excuse and cop out. If you didn't want to be with me or to be a boyfriend why did you string me along this long? All I asked was for you not to play me or with my feelings and you did just that like everyone else in my life. Jarell response back was only I didn't stuff just changed.

   As the hurt kicked in a decided to take a sleep pill. The. I responded I gave you chance to say you didn't want this relationship! I gave you chances to take the titles away and we could have just been friends. You told me you didn't want that, you feed me the bull shit that you wanted this relationship and all you did was hurt me! Stuff changed and you didn't even try to make everything work you forgot about me. You did whatever what was best for you without even thinking that it would effect me. You didn't communicate what changes were happening you gave me excuses and your ass to kiss. How you treated me what you've done to me is fuck up Jarell because my feelings for you was true and real. I never asked for your money or nothing from you besides the simple shit that make relationships work! I dealt with the mistreat, excuses, i stood beside you when you had death in the family, while you were sick and after ya baby mom disrespected me. And this is what i get.

   He texted back I'm sorry for everything and it all moved to fast to me, I'm sorry I'm truly sorry. My reply to him was So instead of you being a man and saying let's slow down you bitched up and switched on me and when I kept bringing it up you acted like I was crazy. To hell with your sorry. You did just what you wanted to do. All Jarell could say was I never bitched up at all. I told him That's exactly what u did because you didn't handle shit like a man and had I not said  I'm removing myself you would keep doing the shit. That's fucked up. But you don't care, have a good life. You don't even have to reply no more. I was done.

   I took another sleeping pill because the first one still hadn’t kicked in I would not have kept this open I would have spoken to u and not through text but have a good night. I was angry and wanted Jarell to feel the hurt I felt but I know that wasn't possible I told him Kept it open its a relationship, not a fucking phone line. Just because your emotionless don't mean you hurt other people while you figure out what you want to do. The last response he gave me was I didn't mean to. I replied whatever your an ass.

   I sat there in my bed crying and then text my best friend. Please understand I will and have always loved you. But my heart can take no more hurt. And I can't take the site of seeing the people that hurt me enjoy life while I'm stuck. Please remember me but this is my goodbye. I hit send and sat my phone on the nightstand. And opened the bottle of sleeping pills and. Poured as many as I could in my hand. As I grab the glass of gin from the table a call from my best friend Skylar popped up on my phone. I silenced it. You can't talk me out of this I said as I threw the pills in my mouth and chased with the drink

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