Part 1: Chrissy and Eric

“Tell me you love me,” Eric said to me as he sat floor of the bathroom doorway with his head in his hands and tears in his eyes. From the way, he was acting you would have thought he was the hurt one instead of me. I was the one he had just beat on. “I… I love you,” I said as I wipe my busted lip. “you know I love you Chrissy and I don’t like hitting you, but sometimes you make me so mad. I don’t want to hit you.” he said. “I know baby. I know, and I am sorry.” I said. Eric got up off the floor and walked over and stood behind me in the mirror. “say it again… tell me you love me.” he said. “I love you,” I said while looking at my face in the mirror and then him. “Say it again and look at me when you say it ” he requested. I turned around and looked at him “I love you, Eric.” I said. Even though in My head I was screaming run. I loved Eric that's why I married him, but the mixture of his daily alcohol and anger had me scared of him, and that was no way to live. I had gone from his trophy in public to his punching bag behind closed doors. Never thought that this would be my life.

   “Chrissy baby you know I love you right? You're so beautiful and perfect. But you also know I want nothing more in this world than to have a son and every time you take a pregnancy test it comes back negative, and it's pissing me off. I told you over two years ago to get off birth control and we been having Unprotected sex. You should be pregnant! I know that I have cum in you each time. So it's confusing me to why you aren’t pregnant by now. The only thing that comes to my mind is that you are doing something to avoid getting pregnant and carrying my baby. which really angers me because if you love me why wouldn’t you want to have my baby.” Eric said looking at me with this crazy look in his eyes that he got when he was drunk.

He was right we had been trying for two years to get pregnant. We had sex so much that it wasn’t even pleasurable to me. Most time I  just laid there and took it to he was done handling his business. “Eric baby I am not doing anything to avoid having your child there is nothing more I would rather do to make you a dad. But I can not control my body or what God has planned for us.” I said to him. “God has a son planned for me we talked about it this morning when I prayed,” he said. This was my husband the accountant, pastor son, alcoholic; talking about he prayed and spoke to god. I wonder if that was a sober conversation.

   I truly loved this man, but over the course of time, he had become someone I didn’t know anymore. It was like when his mom passed everything went downhill. And his only focus was having a baby, and the more we took these pregnancy test, and they came out negative the more it seemed like he got crazier and crazier.  The first time it was just a slap, but now it was getting worse and worse to the point I had mastered how to cover a black eye.

   “clean yourself up I will be downstairs we have to go to bible study,” Eric said walking out of the bathroom. I stood in our bathroom mirror examining myself. “at least there's no black eye this time.” I said to myself. I splashed water on my face. It wasn’t that I didn’t want kids I was dealing with the cards I was dealt, and clearly, kids weren’t one. Eric yelled upstairs we had company .i got myself together put some lipstick on to cover my busted lip, and I went downstairs to the living room to see who was there. When I walked into the living room the feeling of tension slapped me like a load of bricks. “momma” I said shocked that she was there.  “Hey baby,” she said as she got up to ugly me and I turned my head. Eric came out of the kitchen as we release. “I’m a go ahead and head to the church when you're done met me there.” he said as he walked through my mom and me and grabbed me looking me in the eyes. “yes baby,” I said nodding my head. “Bye Ms. Washington” he turned and said. “mmhm,” my mom said back rolling her eyes.

   When Eric was out and closed the door behind him, my mom went and sat on the couch. “how have you been Chrissy? I haven’t heard from you or seen you. Your sister said she hasn’t seen or heard from you and that's not like you.” she said. “I have just been a busy momma. I got a full-time job, and I’m a wife.” I said. “Okay so you can’t make time for family,” she said. I walked into the kitchen, and my mom followed behind me. “no ma’am” I said as I poured me a cup of water.  “well how has everything been?” she asked. I took a sip of my water, and as I placed my glass down, I saw my eyes get big. “Chrissy what happen to your lip?” she asked. I was in such a rush that I put in the wrong lipstick, and it rubbed off on my cup. “Noting momma, it's just a cold sore.” I said. “that's not no cold sore that looks like some hit you in your mouth. Is Eric hitting you?” she asked. “momma!” I said. “momma nothing you better tell me something and right now!” she demand.

   “he just gets mad sometimes.” I said. “mad about what? Because that's no excuse why he can’t keep his hands to himself, Chrissy. In here beating on my daughter but in that church shouting and acting all holy.” she said. “momma he just wants a baby and when we take this test and it comes back he gets upset.” I said. “Chrissy, you have Uterine Fibroids did you not tell him that? you can’t have a baby” she said. “The doctor didn’t say I couldn’t have kids at all he said it was unlikely,” I said to her. “Chrissy!” she yelled. “momma I am not doing to admit that I am half of a woman and can’t give my husband the only thing he wants right now. I’ve seen God do bigger things for worse people, so I completely believe him to work a miracle for me.” I said to her. “that does not make you a half a woman. But you will be a dead woman if you keep letting this man beat on you because you fail to provide him with something you can not do right now” she said. “mom let me handle this my way.” I said. “wait to your dad pick me up and I tell him this.” she said. “momma doesn’t tell daddy. this is my business what happens in my house stays in my house.” I said to her. “over my dead body, you are my child and even as an adult I will do whatever I have to, to protect you. I will not lose my daughter to the hands of a man that stood before me and others and promised to love her.” she said. “he does love me, momma,” I said “love isn’t physically abusive Chrissy why aren’t you understand that you never saw your father beat on me.” she said. “mom if you can’t respect my wishes leave and don’t come back.” I said looking at my mom. “so you will run from me and your reality for this man chrissy?” she said. “momma I love him.” I said  


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