Noah and Tammy Part 3

My emotions were so high and all over the place when i sped out the parking lot of planned parenthood. When I originally decided to get the abortion it was a no-brainer to me. I was in my third year of college for my accountant's degree. I didn't have a full-time job. Noah paid my bills, and I was using my school refund check to handle anything else I needed. I knew I wasn’t in the right place to bring a child into this world. Not mention Noah was married and i didn’t want the error of my ways to cause my child to have a miserable life that they didn’t deserve.
Today was different though I once i got there. I don’t know if it was because Noah had made me aware that jasmine was pregnant too. Or Rochelle saying that Noah deserves to know about the baby. Or hearing all the stuff the doctor had to tell me about the side effects. But it all just too much at once. I needed a moment to myself to breath and think. I needed to be by myself and not hear no one else’s thoughts and options but my own.
I drove all the way home with my head racing. When I pulled up to my apartment i got out and headed straight in. i climbed the three sets of stairs to my apartment and stuck my key in the door. As i tried to quickly get into my apartment i heard my neighbor making his way towards his door like he does every time he heard me coming in and out of my apartment. I hurried to try to get my door open because i was not in the mood to talk. But like i should have already expected my door, jam. I cussed in my head as I heard the door unlocking behind me. I had told my landlord over and over again about this issue on top of others but he failed to fix anything around here. But he damn sure showed up to collect rent money.
As i played with my door trying to get it open i heard “Hey Tammy Girl.” come from behind me. I got my apartment door open finally and i turned around and said “Hi Mr. Owens” Mr. Owens was a 65 years old black man but didn’t look his age at all. He was definitely an example that black doesn’t crack. He lived alone and didn’t come out of his apartment too often besides when he stood in his doorway and harassed me.
Mr. Ownes looked me up and down like he always did and then said to me “Well damn girl are you okay? You look like you had the scare of your life. That boy i see coming by here in the police uniform ain't do nothing to you, did he? Cause you know I'm not too old to whoop a nigga ass over you redbone.” he said. I’m fine Mr. Owens has just been studying like crazy for my midterms so I’m tired.” I told him.
“Mmhm… you study way to hard . your fine self shouldn’t even be in school. You should be someone’s wife getting taken care of and having babies. Degrees are for the ugly women that know they aren’t ever gonna get a man to marry them so they need to make sure they have a good way to support them sleeves. “ he said. “Not true. Penty of women have degrees and are wives and mother’s.” i told him. “If you say so. But i think you should be with a real man and just let him take care of you. Stop losing out on your beauty sleep because your studying. Hell drop that looking young’n and get you a sugar daddy. I know damn well between my socail security and my retirement fund from Kodak I can take amazing care of you and give you the world.” he said confidently. I pushed a smile through because I knew that what Mr. Owen was looking for. “Mr. Owens you are sweet but I don’t want to be responsible for giving you a heart attack when you decide you want some sugar.” i said to him. “Girl for you I’ll take that risk.” he said.
I laugh at Mr.Owne's statement. “Mr.Ownes i got to go inside and finish studying. If I get a chance to cook tonight I’ll bring you over a plate.” I told him. “See this why you should my wife you always look out for me. You take better care of me then them other two bitches that I married.” he said. I shook my head “alright now. Bye,” I said rushing to end the conversation as I slide in my apartment and closed the door.
Mr. Owens was sweet. I know all his flirting was innocent. When I first moved into the building he was the only person that took out time to ask my name and get to know me. He always kept an eye out for me which made me feel like i had a grandfather living next door. I use to go over once a month when he got paid and clean his apartment to have a little extra money in my pocket then I caught him jacking off under a cover as he sat in his lazy boy watching me clean and i told Noah and he told me to never take my ass back over there because he would hate to have to kill an old-timer.
Once i closed and locked my door I kicked off my shoes and started to under-dress as I walked through my apartment to my bathroom. I turned the bathroom light on and went over to the tube and turned on the water to take a shower. As the water ran and warmed up I went over to the sink and pulled my braids up into a bun and looked at myself in the mirror.
The woman that was looking back me in the mirror i left like I didn’t know. I was so young but felt so lost. I had masked the art of smiling and pretending to be happy even when I wasn’t. I felt like I didn’t know who I was and I damn sure didn’t feel like I even loved myself. Somewhere down the road it seems like life went on and it left me behind. One thing after another happened and I learned to survive and not look like what I was going through or how i felt inside.
“Pregnant? Damn girl. How the fuck did you get here? i asked myself. I shook my head and then went to get into the shower. I got in the shower and scrubbed my body down. I wanted to just wash away everything from Noah to the trip to planned parenthood.
As i wrapped up my shower i heard a knock at my door. I assumed it was Rochelle seeing that i had left her at planned parent hood by her self when I ran off. I grabbed a towel and walked to the front door. I looked through the peek hole and just like I expected it was her. I began to reach out and unlocked the door and then i stopped. I loved Rochelle and how much of a supportive friend she was But right now I need to be alone with just me and my thoughts.
I walked away from the door and went into my bedroom and closed the door. I figured eventually she would stop knocking and go away. I began to dry off and lotion up. When I was done i put some panties on and climbed into my bed. I popped my headphones in and told Siri to play 90s r&b. As the music played i opened the note pads on my phone to do a journal entry.

Dear Journal

Today didn't go as planned at all. And if I wasn’t sure before I am pretty sure now that I am losing my mind and going crazy. Jasmine’s pregnant and I didn’t get rid of the baby. I actually ran out of planned parenthood like a crazy woman. Now don’t know what to do or what I’m doing at this point. Lord knows i don’t want to be a single mom but maybe this baby would be a good thing for me. Maybe this baby is the break-in life that i need. I already feel like I'm alone and having a baby would give me family. Everyone I need the most to help me make a good decision i can’t call on. My dad still blames me for his divorce from my stepmom. My high school sweet Donnie promised to love me and always be here with me. He said that we were going to be together, but left me when he decided to commit suicide during my first week of college freshman year. Now I'm alone, But having a baby would give me unconditional love.

I put my phone down and stared at the ceiling thinking about what i had just written. I rolled to the side and leaned out the bed to pull a box out my nightstand. I sat up and put the box on my bed. I opened it and pulled out one of the blunt Rochelle had given me. She called them midterm prep gifts to help us relax during midterms. I lite one and then laid back in the bed and let the herbs take me to another place.